What your drink says about you...

Staropramen drinker - likely to spend most of the evening texting some other girl.

Stella drinker - likely to spend most of the evening pretending to text some other girl.

Budweiser drinker - likely to spend most of the evening showing you porn on his camera phone in a bid to impress you. Has never had a text from a girl.

Real Ale drinker, bearded - someone's divorced uncle Tim.

Real Ale drinker, semibearded (facial topiary) - secretly despises the taste, feels he 'ought' to drink it.

Real Ale drinker, unbearded - socially inept computing student.

Guinness drinker, Irish - will break your heart.

Guinness drinker, non-Irish - nursing broken heart.

Guinness drinker, American - Great Grandad had a half brother with an Irish 2nd cousin twice removed, aka has Irish "Heritage".

London Pride drinker - not from London.

Trappist brew drinker, under 50 - fussy type with an excess of both spare time and self-regard.

Trappist brew drinker, over 50 - monk.

Cider drinker, teenager - made an impulse decision when he couldn't spot the alcopops.

Cider drinker, adult - from Norfolk.


Vodka Martini – Sophisticated. You’re classy, old school or a James Bond wannabe. I've been known to drink these, make of that what you will...

Cosmopolitan – Prissy, over ordered and passé. Favored by Manolo Blahnik wearing Candace Bushnell devotees who spend all their money on shoes but live in rathole apartments. Rapidly becoming an old lady drink.

Sidecar – The last time you got laid was 1932.

Chardonnay – You know what you like. Boring. Predictable. The Missionary Position of White Wine. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Pinot Grigio – You’re pretentious or don’t know what you like. You follow the herd. The Circle Jerk of White Wine

Beer – Just beer, sod the label, just good old fashioned ice cold brewski...Blue collar, simple, and an old standby.

Chocolate Martini – You’re immature or have a sweet tooth. Good for masking the taste of Roofies...or so I hear...

Vodka on the Rocks – You want to get drunk as fast as possible.

Malibu Bay Breeze – A gay man’s drink. Again, not that there's anything wrong with that, red is red, up is up, and this is a gay man's drink...

Sloe Gin Fizz – Same as above.

Gin neat – Only for mad dogs and Englishmen.

Sour Apple Martini – You have a sense of fun but overindulgence might cause dancing on tables and bad karaoke singing.

Campari and Soda – You’re a gourmand. A good aperitif. A bitter drink for bitter people.

Manhattan – Old fogey drink. Stuffy. Where did I put the bitters?

Sweet Vermouth on the Rocks – You’re so old that if you’re not already in the grave you soon will be.

Pinot Noir – You’ve seen Sideways. Nuff said.

Sex on the Beach – You’ve been to Club Hedonism haven’t you?

Sex up Against the Wall – You own shares in Club Hedonism don’t you?

Galliano –You’re a waterbed, lava lamp, reel to reel, gold chain wearing, wall to wall shag carpet loving, swinging 70’s disco fool.

Gimlets – You’re old fashioned and like to drink. Usually the provenance of classy cerebral babes.

Rob Roy – You’re an alcoholic...bloody good drink 'tho...

Margarita – You’re fun and naughty with a sense of style. If you don’t have it with salt you’re a wimp.

Shirley Temple – What? Are you five years old? On the wagon? Get the fuck outta here...

Bloody Mary – You need an excuse to start drinking before lunch.

Gin and Tonic – You’re kinda boring but an excellent drink when it’s hot outside.

Mint Julep – You’re a hospitable Southern guy/gal. Good stuff. Rarely ordered.

Tequila – You’re not afraid of spending a little time in jail. (Little known fact, tequila isn't actually a drink, it's just a way to get the police to turn up without using a phone...)

Champagne – You’re reserved and classy...or a stripper.

Vodka Red Bull - Party person, young, possible cokehead.

Southern Comfort –Where’d you put the Lynyrd Skynyrd eight tracks? I know I saw ‘em around here somewhere.

Southern Comford, Lemonade and Lime – The line between "Fussy Cocktail" and "No-nonsense drinker" is a line you enjoy tapdancing on reguarly...

Mojito – You’re not afraid to try new things, have low frustration tolerance and are prone to wild rages. I may not agree with what you drink, but I will defend to my death your right to drink it...

Rum and Coke – You’ve been arrested for assault once or twice.

Whisky Sour – Have another one Grandma.

Alabama Slammer – You’ve read the “Have a Cocktail” placemat at the diner once too often.

Jamesons Irish Whisky – You’re a sexual athlete. Women want you and men want to be like you. You have class, talent, wit, and brains.