Breakfast: An etymological debate

As discussed in my previous post, I haven't been sleeping lately, and this led to a somewhat interesting (for me at least, but as previously discussed, psychosis may well have set in by now) discussion, is it possible for someone who doesn't sleep, to eat breakfast?


Now wikipedia defines "Breakfast" to be:

"Breakfast (literally meaning "breaking the fast" of the night) is the first meal taken after rising from a night's sleep, most often eaten in the early morning before undertaking the day's work."

So from this, one would logically surmise that no, if breakfast is the first meal you eat after rising from a night's sleep, literally "breaking the fast of sleep", then no, someone who does not sleep cannot therefore eat breakfast.


But fuck that, I like breakfast. Breakfast is probably my favourite meal of the day, whether it's a full on fry up, a sausage and egg muffin (no, not a McMuffin, fuck McMuffins, although to be fair they are a facsimile, and are by far the best thing McDonald's serve, so maybe not fuck them, just a little heavy petting maybe...), porridge or whatever, I'm not gunna let no pinko-open-source-commie wiki take that away from me.

This is actually what you get if you google "pinko open source wikipedia communist". There are other results, of which we shall not speak.

So to the good old Oxford English Dictionary we go, which defines breakfast as:

"The first meal of the day; morning meal"

Aha! Saved by good old British etymology. The first meal of the day. The morning meal. I can once again go back to eating breakfast without the worry that it's been stolen from me by my insomnia.

Suck it wikipedia, shove it where it don't shine pinko commies!

Wait, see, now I have a problem with that definition as well, "the first meal of the day". Now if I was to grill me up a fat porterhouse with chips at 12.01am would that be breakfast? No it wouldn't. Yes, technically it's a new day, ergo this being the first meal of said day it should be defined as breakfast. But it just isn't, not because it's a steak, I'm a firm believer that any biological or mineral substance digestible by the human body (and some not, god knows I've been to some dodgy burger vans in my time) can be eaten at any defined and undefined meal times. If, if, I had been asleep, and woken up to cook and eat that, I would have then defined it as breakfast, yes, but if without that clause then we're destroying the very fabric of the "midnight snack". So it would appear that I've come back to having to define breakfast as a meal requiring sleep prior to it, which is bullshit.

Bullshit bullshit bullshit bull...shit bullshit

See, when I used to work night-shifts, when I got off at 6-9am, breakfast was what I referred to as the meal I had then, in a dodgy looking but quite pleasant and quaint little cafe in a industrial park in Dagenham (that also served Guinness and Jamesons at said time, which wasn't altogether unappreciated), before I went to bed. But again, this leaves me with a definition that is time-based, again something I want to get away from.


Another definition of breakfast I can find, is:

"To refer to a meal composed of traditional breakfast foods (eggs, oatmeal, sausages, etc.) served at any time of day."

Again, no dice, whilst lacking in a time requirement, and no stipulation as to whether or not sleep is required, it's main fault is in it defining the food that need to be eat, to which I cannot stand. Everyone knows cold pizza for breakfast is godly, and I won't have that besmirched, and I'm damn sure no one would define pizza as a breakfast food. Well, with the exception of one service station in Guildford that serves a "breakfast pizza" of which I would warn anyone who posses either taste-buds or a digestive tract to steer  well clear of. The same goes for chili, or last nights special chow-mien and house curry. The alternative would be to define all foods to be breakfast foods, but that would mean every meal would be breakfast, if I can't define it by time or sleep, and the last thing I want to do is remove the lustre of that glorious meal. 

This breakfast pizza looks nice, the one of that fateful day...did not

So I find myself at an impasse, in an existential state of  both eating breakfast all the time, some of the time, and none of the time, at all times.


Yup...psychosis is definitely setting in...

Sleep, those little slices of death, how I miss thee, aka: Insomnia, and my adventures therein

So as of right now, Tuesday the 10th of April, 6.25am, I have been awake for roughly 8 days, give or take "nodding off" for 20-40 minutes here and there, before then it was a 4 day stint, 5 before that, and so on for the past 3 or so months, and it's amazing how that changes your outlook on life. By "change your outlook on life" I don't mean it in that it "makes you appreciate the little things" or "gives you more respect for people" or any other namby-pamby, Hallmark card certified way, I literally mean the way you physically view the world.


For starters trying to fill that inappreciably massive void left by a complete and utter lack of sleep becomes almost a neurosis, a game, a hobby and an obsessive desire all rolled into one. At first it's not so bad, you have plenty of time to catch up on your backlog of TV programs and movies and reading and the like. But you'd be surprised how long 14 episodes of House DON'T last when you cram them in back to back over the course of one day/evening/night, and yes, I know it's roughly 14 hours, but that's from the perspective of someone living your average 18 hours awake, 6 hours asleep schedule, when you're looking down the barrel of 192 hours, 14 hours is a piss in the ocean.

Word to the wise, don't image google "piss in the ocean", apparently there are pornstars who's name's contain the word "ocean"

And that only works for the first two or three days, because after that my friend, your ability to concentrate goes out the window quicker than Tiger Wood's bit on the side when his wife get's home. After three days you'll find you phased out halfway through a paragraph in a book and have to go re-read it, but by day five you'll notice the end credits rolling on The Big Bang Theory, whilst swearing to yourself you'd only just started watcing Scrubs five minutes ago. Nope, you've just phased out through 2 episodes of scrubs and 2 episodes of The Big Bang Theory, and possibly even an episode of Glee (if you're lucky) and not even noticed it. Ironically I have found something of a cure for this, caffeine. At first I abolished all caffeine intake in an attempt to try and return to regularly planned sleep routines, that was two or three insomnia cycles back now, what I have learned is that I am going to be awake no matter what, and with sweet sweet caffeine I can just about maintain levels of concentration above a ritalin lacking ADHD suffering 4 year old on a week long Cherry Coke binge.  

Just like this, only with a beard, and with the physical strength and mass to actually go through the walls said 4 year old would bounce off of...

So with that in mind, you can kiss goodbye to anything like learning a new language, or skill or likewise, which was one of my first ideas. Finally decided to get round to learning Spanish on YouTube, and I shit you not I'm surprised I didn't get an e-mail from them asking me why I'd watched "Learn Spanish - Lesson 1 - Basic Needs" like twenty-thousand fucking times before I went back to watching people brain themselves on skateboards.


The other problem you encounter is that your "down time" is now during the day, the day is when you can do stuff. Let me tell you, there isn't a piece of flat-pack furniture currently unassembled in my flat, nothing is broken any more, no piece of electrical or mechanical equipment not taken apart, fixed and fiddled with, no carpet unhoovered, no painting unhung, no route to and around the local park/cemetery/shopping centre/etc, unwalked and unplanned on Google Maps. But for the most part these are all tasks only accomplishable during the day, whilst I have no problem hoovering at 4.30am, my neighbours would pitch a fit, as well as this being prime TV time.


Talking of "prime TV", I've been watching a lot of new programming lately, and I have three burning questions, 1: What in the name of sweet fuck is a "Snooki" and why have people allowed it onto television. 2: What in the name of inglorious fuck happened to children's TV? Maybe I'm looking back on it through rose-tinted glasses, but come on? 3: Someone get Gloria Hunniford off the TV, she's old and need's a rest.

Please, make it go away...I'm fairly certain this is why they invented shot-guns...

But I digress, so night becomes your "active" time, a time slot you have to try and fill with something, if you've gotten over the attention span issues, there's always pre-downloaded or recorded television and the like, but I tell you now, they don't churn out episodes anywhere near fast enough to keep up with constant, relentless grind with which I get through them, same goes with books, good ones atleast, I still refuse to re-read the  copy of "The Da Vinci Code" I accidentally purchased drunk (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it), it shall sit on my bookshelf, unread, for all eternity (or until I move) as a warning against buying shitty books, and as a punishment for being shitty, a literary naughty corner if you will.


You see, there's a decided lack of 24 hour and Late Night places in this country. In the US, there's always some 24 hour dive bar or diner you can go kill a few hours at, but the exception of the odd Casino, something out of the question due to a certain lack of monetary funds, and "Massage Parlours", something out of the question due to a certain presence of dignity (and also a lack of monetary funds) there's shit all to do in this fair town we call London.

No one looks this happy in a casino at 6am...

Which makes no sense, because you see I've been doing a little research. When you put together the amount of people suffering from recorded cases of Insomnia (I'm guessing there's plenty more unrecorded) and people working in industries outside of the normal "open hours" of most venues, most cities on this planet pale in comparison with good old London town. Why has this not been rectified?


So with those out the window, and not wishing to disrupt anyone else with your endless awake-ness, you become a goddamn one man unstoppable behemoth at tetris, solitaire, pac-man and the like....

Seriously, do NOT fuck with me at solitaire any more...if that's even possible

Secondly, another thing you start to notice, is you start talking to yourself, and more-so to inanimate objects, possibly a sign of the onset of psychosis, I grant you, but it's entertaining and gives you something to do. 


Now I've always kind of been one for this, many a time I've found myself calling myself a "stupid bastard" for putting a irremovable part of something I'm putting together in place before I need it to be irremovable, or a "silly wanker" for dropping something heavy and hard on something I didn't particularly want something heavy or hard dropped on. But at some point you start discussing your television viewing schedule with the remote control, or asking your pantry whether it thinks you should have used normal paprika or smoked paprika in whatever it is you're cooking...

To be fair this image is a little dishonest, no one ever calls me anymore

Which is just plain stupid because it's ALWAYS smoked paprika...

5 piece of piss recipes every man should know how to cook...

In no particular order, although I would say a good Chili is right at the top of what a man should be able to cook, along with steak...

5. Spaghetti/Tagliatelli Carbonara

• 3 Rashers of Bacon/4 Rashers of streaky bacon (or panchetta, if you're feeling fancy, or haloumi if you're a mentalist herbivore), chopped 
• 100g of grated cheddar cheese/parmesan/pecorino/double Gloucester/whatever you fancy or a mixture thereof 
• 4 or 5 medium sized mushrooms (I prefer chestnut mushrooms, but porcini, shitake or your own personal preference works fine), chopped 
• 1 large beaten egg 
• 350g of spaghetti/tagliatelli (about enough for 2 people) 
• A little olive oil or butter to fry 
• 1 largeish clove of garlic 

Piece of piss recipe, stick the pasta on, in salted water, while that's cooking stick the bacon in a frying pan with the oil/butter (If you're using fresh pasta, you're gunna wanna put the bacon on first, and when it's almost done then start the pasta). Lightly crush/bruise the garlic, whack that in there, when the bacon's about half done, chuck in the mushrooms. Beat the egg, mix the cheese in with it, once the pasta's done, turn the heat off on the bacon-mushroom mix, take out the garlic clove, and using tongs or a spaghetti spoon, move the spaghetti in with the bacon & mushrooms. Pour over the egg and cheese and use a fork or tongs or whatever, to mix all the three together, you might need to spoon in a bit of the water from the pasta to get the right consistency, you want it saucy, but still thick. And bosh Spaghetti Carbonara (technically al fungi, but pff).


4. Cheat Chili

• 1 Large green pepper, 1 large red pepper, chopped 
• 2 medium onions, diced 
• 3-4 large cloves of garlic, crushed/minced 
• 6-8 medium mushrooms (again I prefer chestnut) 
• Tin of red kidney beans (or half of red, half of white if you're feeling fancy) 
• Large jar of good quality ragu 
• 500g of minced beef/lamb (there is no herbivorous alternative...there just isn't) 
• 1 heaped teaspoon of chilli powder (or more, depending on how you like it, you can use shop-bought, or make your own, my recipie's underneath) 
• 2 heaped teaspoon of smoked paprika (only one if you're using my chili powder recipe) 
• 1 heaped teaspoon of oregano (don't include this if you're using my chili powder recipe) 
• 1 bottle of pale ale 
• 2 table spoons of balsamic vinegar 

Chuck the peppers, onions and garlic in a saucepan with a couple of glugs of olive oil, when they start to just cook, chuck in the meat. When it's brown, whack in everything else, except all the beer, half fill the jar of ragu you used and pour that in, drink what's left. Now you can cook it on a medium high and have it all done in 20 minutes, but I promise you if you cook it slow and low for an hour or more it'll just get better and better...Serve it with rice, jacket potato, crusty bread, on it's own, anything works...

Chili Powder recipe

• 3 Ancho chillies, 3 Cascabel chillies, 3 dried Arbo chillies, all stemmed, seeded and sliced

• 2 tablespoons of whole cumin seeds 

• 2 tablespoons of garlic powder 

• 1 tablespoon dried oregano

• 1 tablespoon smoked paprika 

Stick the chillies in a frying pan with the cumin seeds on a relatively high heat, until you smell the cumin seeds start to toast, 5ish minutes, take off and let cool. When cool whack them in a blender if you have one, or you can use a pestle and mortar, and just grind it all up into a powder. If you DO use a blender/food processor, leave it a couple minutes for the powder to settle before you open it up, and be careful when you do, otherwise you'll get it in the face, and this stuff is like friggin' mace...

3. Super-crazy-mental Garlic Spicy Meatballs

• 10 bulbs (Yes, BULBS) or garlic, separated, peeled and crushed with a wooden mallet (or a garlic press, but where's the fun in that?) 
• 4 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce 
• 8 tablespoons of Tabasco sauce 
• 4 well beaten eggs 
• 500g of lean minced beef 
• 6 tablespoons of heavy cream 
• 2 sweet mayan onions (if you can get them, any sweetish onion will do 'tho, or shallots) 
• 250g of dried breadcums 

Whack the garlic in a frying pan with a glug or two of olive oil, fry until soft and pungent (this will stink your fucking kitchen out, make no mistake), add the shallots, mix them in and take off the heat and let cool. In a large mixing bowel mix the rest of the gear together, add the garlic and shallot mixture and with (relatively) clean hands mould into golf-ball sized...well...balls. Fry in the same pan as the garlic, although you'll probably have to add some more oil, browning on all sides until cooked through. Stuff 'em in your gob on their own or serve in a bolognese sauce...

WARNING: Do not cook/eat these bad-boys before going out on the pull, or if you think you're gunna get "jiggy with it", coz you will stink of garlic...

2. Cheese stuffed, bacon wrapped jalapeños

• However many jalapeños you want to make 
• Enough cheese to stuff said jalapeños (cheddar works best, pepper-jack is good too for extra spice, anything that melts really), grated/crumbled. 
• Enough bacon (preferably streaky) to wrap your allotted jalapeños

Slice down one side of the jalapeño, scrape out the seeds and membrane, stuff with cheese, wrap with bacon. Easy as that. Cooks best over a BBQ, but under the grill works as well. Can mix it up by stuffing with the above chili and wrapping with finely sliced haloumi, or for a veggie option (if you're into that kinda twisted shit...) stuff with veggie stuffs...I dunno what you eat, and wrap with fake bacon (if that's not sacrilegious) or haloumi...


1. Chicken & Chorizo Jambalaya 

• 1 tbsp olive oil 
• 2 chicken breasts, chopped 
• 1 onion, diced 
• 1 red pepper, thinly sliced 
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed 
• 75g chorizo, sliced (works best, although any smoked/spiced sausage is ok) 
• 2 tbsp Cajun seasoning (Most supermarkets do it with their curry powders and the like, some are better than others, I know it's technically cheating, but the stuff's pretty good to have knocking around) 
• 250g long grain rice 
• 400g can plum tomatoes 
• 350ml chicken stock 

Heat the oil in a large frying pan with a lid and brown the chicken in a bit of oil until golden, remove and stick it to one side. Tip in the onion and cook until soft. Then add the pepper, garlic, chorizo and Cajun seasoning, and cook for 5 mins more. Stir the chicken back in with the rice, add the tomatoes and stock. Cover and simmer for 20-25 mins until the rice is tender (might need to top-up with boiling water, keep an eye on it). Fine on it's own, or you can stick in a tortilla and have a Cajun-burrito...