5. Spaghetti/Tagliatelli Carbonara
- 3 Rashers of Bacon/4 Rashers of streaky bacon (or panchetta, if you're feeling fancy, or haloumi if you're a mentalist herbivore), chopped
- 100g of grated cheddar cheese/parmesan/pecorino/double Gloucester/whatever you fancy or a mixture thereof
- 4 or 5 medium sized mushrooms (I prefer chestnut mushrooms, but porcini, shitake or your own personal preference works fine), chopped
- 1 large beaten egg
- 350g of spaghetti/tagliatelli (about enough for 2 people)
- A little olive oil or butter to fry
- 1 largeish clove of garlic
Piece of piss recipe, stick the pasta on, in salted water, while that's cooking stick the bacon in a frying pan with the oil/butter (If you're using fresh pasta, you're gunna wanna put the bacon on first, and when it's almost done then start the pasta). Lightly crush/bruise the garlic, whack that in there, when the bacon's about half done, chuck in the mushrooms. Beat the egg, mix the cheese in with it, once the pasta's done, turn the heat off on the bacon-mushroom mix, take out the garlic clove, and using tongs or a spaghetti spoon, move the spaghetti in with the bacon & mushrooms. Pour over the egg and cheese and use a fork or tongs or whatever, to mix all the three together, you might need to spoon in a bit of the water from the pasta to get the right consistency, you want it saucy, but still thick. And bosh Spaghetti Carbonara (technically al fungi, but pff).
4. Cheat Chili
- 1 Large green pepper, 1 large red pepper, chopped
- 2 medium onions, diced
- 3-4 large cloves of garlic, crushed/minced
- 6-8 medium mushrooms (again I prefer chestnut)
- Tin of red kidney beans (or half of red, half of white if you're feeling fancy)
- Large jar of good quality ragu
- 500g of minced beef/lamb (there is no herbivorous alternative...there just isn't)
- 1 heaped teaspoon of chilli powder (or more, depending on how you like it, you can use shop-bought, or make your own, my recipie's underneath)
- 2 heaped teaspoon of smoked paprika (only one if you're using my chili powder recipe)
- 1 heaped teaspoon of oregano (don't include this if you're using my chili powder recipe)
- 1 bottle of pale ale
- 2 table spoons of balsamic vinegar
Chuck the peppers, onions and garlic in a saucepan with a couple of glugs of olive oil, when they start to just cook, chuck in the meat. When it's brown, whack in everything else, except all the beer, half fill the jar of ragu you used and pour that in, drink what's left. Now you can cook it on a medium high and have it all done in 20 minutes, but I promise you if you cook it slow and low for an hour or more it'll just get better and better...Serve it with rice, jacket potato, crusty bread, on it's own, anything works...
Chili Powder recipe
- 3 Ancho chillies, 3 Cascabel chillies, 3 dried Arbo chillies, all stemmed, seeded and sliced
- 2 tablespoons of whole cumin seeds
- 2 tablespoons of garlic powder
- 1 tablespoon dried oregano
- 1 tablespoon smoked paprika
Stick the chillies in a frying pan with the cumin seeds on a relatively high heat, until you smell the cumin seeds start to toast, 5ish minutes, take off and let cool. When cool whack them in a blender if you have one, or you can use a pestle and mortar, and just grind it all up into a powder. If you DO use a blender/food processor, leave it a couple minutes for the powder to settle before you open it up, and be careful when you do, otherwise you'll get it in the face, and this stuff is like friggin' mace...
3. Super-crazy-mental Garlic Spicy Meatballs
- 10 bulbs (Yes, BULBS) or garlic, separated, peeled and crushed with a wooden mallet (or a garlic press, but where's the fun in that?)
- 4 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
- 8 tablespoons of Tabasco sauce
- 4 well beaten eggs
- 500g of lean minced beef
- 6 tablespoons of heavy cream
- 2 sweet mayan onions (if you can get them, any sweetish onion will do 'tho, or shallots)
- 250g of dried breadcums
Whack the garlic in a frying pan with a glug or two of olive oil, fry until soft and pungent (this will stink your fucking kitchen out, make no mistake), add the shallots, mix them in and take off the heat and let cool. In a large mixing bowel mix the rest of the gear together, add the garlic and shallot mixture and with (relatively) clean hands mould into golf-ball sized...well...balls. Fry in the same pan as the garlic, although you'll probably have to add some more oil, browning on all sides until cooked through. Stuff 'em in your gob on their own or serve in a bolognese sauce...
WARNING: Do not cook/eat these bad-boys before going out on the pull, or if you think you're gunna get "jiggy with it", coz you will stink of garlic...
2. Cheese stuffed, bacon wrapped jalapeños
- However many jalapeños you want to make
- Enough cheese to stuff said jalapeños (cheddar works best, pepper-jack is good too for extra spice, anything that melts really), grated/crumbled.
- Enough bacon (preferably streaky) to wrap your allotted jalapeños
Slice down one side of the jalapeño, scrape out the seeds and membrane, stuff with cheese, wrap with bacon. Easy as that. Cooks best over a BBQ, but under the grill works as well. Can mix it up by stuffing with the above chili and wrapping with finely sliced haloumi, or for a veggie option (if you're into that kinda twisted shit...) stuff with veggie stuffs...I dunno what you eat, and wrap with fake bacon (if that's not sacrilegious) or haloumi...
1. Chicken & Chorizo Jambalaya
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 2 chicken breasts, chopped
- 1 onion, diced
- 1 red pepper, thinly sliced
- 2 garlic cloves, crushed
- 75g chorizo, sliced (works best, although any smoked/spiced sausage is ok)
- 2 tbsp Cajun seasoning (Most supermarkets do it with their curry powders and the like, some are better than others, I know it's technically cheating, but the stuff's pretty good to have knocking around)
- 250g long grain rice
- 400g can plum tomatoes
- 350ml chicken stock
Heat the oil in a large frying pan with a lid and brown the chicken in a bit of oil until golden, remove and stick it to one side. Tip in the onion and cook until soft. Then add the pepper, garlic, chorizo and Cajun seasoning, and cook for 5 mins more. Stir the chicken back in with the rice, add the tomatoes and stock. Cover and simmer for 20-25 mins until the rice is tender (might need to top-up with boiling water, keep an eye on it). Fine on it's own, or you can stick in a tortilla and have a Cajun-burrito...
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